Today it is revealed that the front cover of the next issue of Charlie Hebdo features a cartoon of Mohammed looking sad and saying Je Suis Charlie. This is in line with its usual editorial policy and, in effect, makes it clear to all those hypocritical world leaders who attended the march in Paris on Sunday and who prefer self-censorship to basically f*uck off. In the same scurrilous spirit and in honour of Charlie Hebdo we publish today a secret recording of the conversations that took place between some of those world leaders as they marched together, but separately from the rabble, in their protected falanxe….
David Cameron to Angela Merkel: “The attack couldn’t have been better timed: gives me the perfect opportunity to ensure our Snoopers Charter gets through when I’m re-elected. Legalise what we’re been doing for years. Plus we’ve got the tabloids in line, ensuring the fear factor is hyped – get the population compliant.”
Merkel to Cameron: “Excellent. And the NSA: are they still tapping my phone?”
Cameron to Merkel: “Yes, but you can’t expect the NSA and GCHQ to do otherwise. Anyway you can’t complain, seeing all the intelligence we pass on to you.”
Binyamin Netanyahu (overhearing): “What I want to know is whose f*ucking idea was it to invite the Palestinians to the march? This is the trouble with European liberalism.”
Francois Hollande: “I’m more concerned about your intention to invite French Jews to move to Israel: just make sure you don’t cream off the best – we don’t want our economy weakened.”
Mariano Rajoy to Natanyahu: “You may be uncomfortable to have Abbas just a few feet away, but here we all are in a march about how a bunch of anarchists were knocked off. It’s a f*cking joke. I’ll be glad to get back to Madrid.”
Cameron: “This would not have happened in Britain, of course: we’d have closed Charlie down years ago. By the way, GCHQ had all the Charlie staff on its files; same with the remnants. And I’m more than happy to share what we have about them with you. What we must ensure is that nothing like this happens again – after all, we don’t want a f*ucking revolution!” [He laughs]
Hollande: “Which is why we must capitalise as much as possible on this turnout. In any other context three million people demonstrating across France would be considered an emergency and we’d have deployed the riot police in their thousands – not to protect the marchers, of course. And that’s why we’ll be introducing our own Snoopers Charter – but quietly and without legislation.”
Cameron: “Any technical help you need on that, old chap, just let pick up the phone. You’re know we’re the experts.”
Netanyahu: “We have some useful intel to share, too, of course. ISIS, FSA, the Gulf, Yemen: you name it. But make sure you keep the ‘two states’ solution out of the equation.”
Hollande: “I agree that co-operation is going to be essential over the coming months and years. We must share everything.”
Cameron: “Steady on! That’s a tall demand. We keep to our agreed protocols: we sawp on a quid pro quo basis. Meantime I’ll see what our friends across the Pond think.”
Merkel: “Talking of which, it was a smart move for the Yanks not to send someone over.”
Cameron: “Exactly. They would have had to prattle on about free speech even though any time anyone leaks anything untoward in America they end up being locked up for life. Obama was well advised.”
Hollande: “Anyway, we’d better shut up: for all I know someone may be recording this.”
Hollande: “No. Worse: Charlie.”
P.S. If you enjoyed this satire and want to see more (on GCHQ), click here.
To see examples of political satire by Muslims, click here.
Je suis Charlie